Tuesday, August 25, 2009

One of Those Days

A l o h a !
click on photos to muse dreamily The Sky is so Vast!

My Heart is so Tiny- but the Love it Contains
Reaches to the Skies.

We each paddle our skin canoe.
Conditions change day to day, minute to minute.
Will there be a paradise cove, surrounded by a loving reef, containing sweet water? Unseen, a Helper paddles behind us. The waters around us are tipped with the gold of Spirit. But life's brine brings on a mighty thirst; so paddle, paddle. . . rest and paddle some more!

Sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed.
Recent research indicates that, yes, children can suffer from depression.
When I was a kid, being sad and withdrawn was considered to be bad behavior, a stage, something to be jolly-ed or threatened out of. A character flaw.
So, being a depressed kid, I was on my own.
Unfortunately, that can lead to a self-reinforcing downward loop: one feels sad, shy and anxious; other people respond negatively,and so a gulf with a moat and a wall coalesce around one.
All the stimulation feels overwhelming, so one withdraws.
But children need relationships in order to develop.
When relationships are painful, the child develops into a hermit.
Solitude becomes the only solace.
Reading, nature, pets are one's reliable companions.

But since "life" is all about being among others, one is severely handicapped. It's impossible to do everything for oneself - but you can try if you have to.
This sort of pressure-cooker produces some diamonds.
Perhaps music or mathematics becomes your opiate?
Or philosophy, or observation and paying attention.

The Cloudia you meet here, is the result of decades of searching, experimenting, surviving & yearning.
Being sad and overwhelmed is a powerful impetus to inquiry.
I have discovered a few things.
And I am grateful and genuinely happy most of the time.
But some mornings I awake with a start.
Life is slipping by and I have achieved nothing commensurate with my potential.

Others who perceived less complexity, or who had easier temperaments and social graces, have single mindedly achieved careers. It's easy!
What's wrong with me?
The mountains I have climbed
are on the other side of the moon.
Or long forgotten.

I meet old colleagues who are still in the same field
and can't believe they are still living
in what for me has become a former life.
I've lived a dozen incarnations since then!
But the floor needs vacuming again,
a million and one little chores need to be accomplished
in order to simply go

Entropy swallows every day's post from the Comfort Spiral.

Perhaps I should delete all this and just run some pictures and some cool quotes;
But now you can see my achievement:
"From Survival to Satisfaction."

My emotional set-point
supposedly immutable
is no longer stuck on this fearsome emotional muck
(as it once was).
Like that clown punching-bag
somehow I return upright
to peace and beauty every time.
Then I'll be embarrassed by this post.
But perhaps there is important truth here.
You are not alone.
Sometimes it just takes a little while to feel good again,
to stop focussing on all the "issues"
(mine and the world's)
and to notice the eternal thrum of loving truth
underlying all,
so that "all" is revealed an illusion.
And today's lack of
is really so very small.

I need to rest a while,
to dream,
to stare,
to hide away.

Wise people say that everything we touch, everything we produce, carries the "energy" with which we produce it.
If we act out of fear, or greed, we are spreading that energy to others. Some days I want to quarentine my existential angst at home.
But today I dare
(Dare I?!)
to show the trembling weakling behind the curtain.
Isn't that how friends are made? By being yourself?
So here's this lump of coal
in the stocking of my gift to you.
Go be human today!
If it is a day of heart and new beginnings: I salute you!
If you are hiding at home like me,
I want you to know that you are not alone.
Life is made of circles, of seasons, of weather-
inside weather and out.
Let's ride the Comfort Spiral
Please, if you have the time,
leave me a comment,
a piece of fruit,
a flower,
or a word.
We are all hungry - but we all get fed.
We are blessed to feed each other.
Don't look away
for I am you,
and to love my yearning
is to heal your own
and the world's.
A L O H A Cloudia