Wednesday, June 30, 2010

"I Don't Care" - Giving


please click on these photos and let them breathe
Playground Rainbow

“The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.”

John Vance Cheney

Lucille Lotus & Company

“I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position.

My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter

and I'm looking out of my third eye

and everything that I'm supposed to be doing.

It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence.

'Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama's got the magic of

Clorox 2.'”

Ellen DeGeneres


“In the pure, immaculate waters,

both the lotus and the slimy scum are found.”

Sri Guru Granth Sahib

Mast Flame

"All thoughts, all passions, all delights

Whatever stirs this mortal frame

All are but ministers of Love

And feed His sacred flame."

Samuel Taylor Coleridge


Growing up in my family
we always knew JUST what to do
when any normal problem came up:

Panic, irritation, blame, avoidance, blow-ups,
emotional bludgeoning.

You guys think I'm like this yoga person,
but don't "get" that I'm just a recovering
nervous wreck.
(Maybe you do !)

"It is not spiritual experts
who need to become monks,"
Said Thomas Merton,
"but those who need constant...
what word did he use?
help, perhaps? Something like that.

I need calm and regularity
almost as much as an autistic,
though I am high-fun-ctioning.

Into this scenario
comes my elderly mother,
aging a mile from here.

I realize that today she might be diagnosed
with attention-deficit
which explains her lack of focus on us kids
except as sources of irritation.

Now she is widowed,
recovering from surgery
and living a life based on a house of cards
that I must shuffle
without disturbing my own apple-cart
including my husband's
peace of mind.

Not to mention our financial security
which is now tied up with hers.

Suddenly, I have a million jobs and worries
that are no way germane
to the things I gotta do,
want to do.

But St. John was right:
"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."

Strange thing is, I'm rockin` and rollin`
with a good confidence
and joy in my way of life,
in my attitudes and beliefs
that you see at this blog.

My mind is too often consumed with the problems of



with the problems of resentment
and unfinished business!

In a recent piece in HARPERS,
Sallie Tisdale
discusses the costs of care-giving
and shares the Social Work field's
distinction between the
and the SUBJECTIVE BURDEN of care-giving.

OBJECTIVE Burden is all the stuff you gotta do.

SUBJECTIVE burden is essentially:

"The gamut of negative emotional reactions to care-giving,
such as stress,tension, anger, worry, sadness,
and feelings of guilt and shame."

Chaya Schwartz & Lilit Hadar

Those two Israeli social workers prove in their research,
that it is the SUBJECTIVE burden
that is hardest to bear.

Somehow I have understood this on a fundamental level;
I see, like in the optical illusion of the two faces/vase

my anger, resentments and hurts


I also see that "What is - IS."

I can remain myself, remain at peace
and keep the bad feelings at bay.

I can refuse to return her
selfishness and de-facto contempt.

I can give her support
without twisting up my gut.

I can, and I must;

or all is lost.

I don't want to go back to that emotional black hole
that I grew up in.

I don't want to remember being on my own at age 16
except as a great adventure and source of pride.

When she is gone,
I will be glad I did.

My brother
who they cared for well into (questionable) adulthood
shook out his wings and emigrated to Canada
just as the well ran dry
and care would be needed.

He hates me for "being in charge" financially
(read: Responsible)
and has declared:
"Expect no help."

But I understand now that he hates me
(nothing personal, he doesn't even know me)
as one prisoner hates another
for reminding him of his own youthful humiliations.

So if I post irregularly, and don't comment at you place
as much as I like to,
please don't think I'm out having fun.

Oh, I AM having fun, even with all the work and responsibility;

Now I'M the MoM
and I'm doing it MY way, as She did.

Only MY way makes everyone feel better,
not just everyone except
the scape-goat.