Wednesday, June 30, 2010

"I Don't Care" - Giving

Aloha
Co-Conspirator!




please click on these photos and let them breathe
Playground Rainbow


“The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.”

John Vance Cheney







Lucille Lotus & Company




“I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position.

My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter

and I'm looking out of my third eye

and everything that I'm supposed to be doing.

It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence.

'Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama's got the magic of

Clorox 2.'”



Ellen DeGeneres


-

“In the pure, immaculate waters,

both the lotus and the slimy scum are found.”


Sri Guru Granth Sahib






Mast Flame


"All thoughts, all passions, all delights

Whatever stirs this mortal frame

All are but ministers of Love

And feed His sacred flame."


Samuel Taylor Coleridge




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Growing up in my family
we always knew JUST what to do
when any normal problem came up:




Panic, irritation, blame, avoidance, blow-ups,
emotional bludgeoning.




You guys think I'm like this yoga person,
but don't "get" that I'm just a recovering
nervous wreck.
(Maybe you do !)




"It is not spiritual experts
who need to become monks,"
Said Thomas Merton,
"but those who need constant...
what word did he use?
help, perhaps? Something like that.




I need calm and regularity
almost as much as an autistic,
though I am high-fun-ctioning.




Into this scenario
comes my elderly mother,
aging a mile from here.





I realize that today she might be diagnosed
with attention-deficit
which explains her lack of focus on us kids
except as sources of irritation.




Now she is widowed,
recovering from surgery
and living a life based on a house of cards
that I must shuffle
without disturbing my own apple-cart
including my husband's
peace of mind.




Not to mention our financial security
which is now tied up with hers.





Suddenly, I have a million jobs and worries
that are no way germane
to the things I gotta do,
want to do.



But St. John was right:
"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."





Strange thing is, I'm rockin` and rollin`
with a good confidence
and joy in my way of life,
in my attitudes and beliefs
that you see at this blog.






My mind is too often consumed with the problems of
MoM


BUT


NOT


with the problems of resentment
and unfinished business!



In a recent piece in HARPERS,
Sallie Tisdale
discusses the costs of care-giving
and shares the Social Work field's
distinction between the
OBJECTIVE BURDEN
and the SUBJECTIVE BURDEN of care-giving.





The
OBJECTIVE Burden is all the stuff you gotta do.

The
SUBJECTIVE burden is essentially:

"The gamut of negative emotional reactions to care-giving,
such as stress,tension, anger, worry, sadness,
and feelings of guilt and shame."

Chaya Schwartz & Lilit Hadar






Those two Israeli social workers prove in their research,
that it is the SUBJECTIVE burden
that is hardest to bear.





Somehow I have understood this on a fundamental level;
I see, like in the optical illusion of the two faces/vase



my anger, resentments and hurts

BUT

I also see that "What is - IS."




I can remain myself, remain at peace
and keep the bad feelings at bay.




I can refuse to return her
selfishness and de-facto contempt.




I can give her support
without twisting up my gut.





I can, and I must;

or all is lost.





I don't want to go back to that emotional black hole
that I grew up in.



I don't want to remember being on my own at age 16
except as a great adventure and source of pride.





When she is gone,
I will be glad I did.




My brother
who they cared for well into (questionable) adulthood
shook out his wings and emigrated to Canada
just as the well ran dry
and care would be needed.





He hates me for "being in charge" financially
(read: Responsible)
and has declared:
"Expect no help."





But I understand now that he hates me
(nothing personal, he doesn't even know me)
as one prisoner hates another
for reminding him of his own youthful humiliations.





So if I post irregularly, and don't comment at you place
as much as I like to,
please don't think I'm out having fun.




Oh, I AM having fun, even with all the work and responsibility;



Now I'M the MoM
and I'm doing it MY way, as She did.




Only MY way makes everyone feel better,
not just everyone except
the scape-goat.



BAAAA AAAAAA,



cloudia





30 comments:

  1. Cloudia, do what you need to do to stay happy and healthy. Don't let your mother or your miserable past get to you. Believe me, I've been there, too.

    Take care, girl!

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  2. Oh my dear you will cope and you can have a happy heart for it. xxxx

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  3. I agree with gigihawaii!
    Take care,
    aloha from Casa!

    BLOGitse

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  4. Hang in there, Cloudia. You can do it, and you will get through it. You are more than a survivor; you are one who knows how to make excellent lemonade from life's lemons and serve it out to refresh those around you!

    You're making the right choice!

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  5. Aloha Cloudia --
    LOVE Teresa's lemonade idea! Be sure and keep drinking the lemonade for yourself, too. You are a beautiful light in a crazy world, and have done a wonderful job raising yourself.
    Try to delegate your "mom chores" and surround yourself with a support team. Check Aging Agencies / resources---don't mess up your own lemonade stand. Even if she has offical adult ADD, don't know how well meds would help at this point.
    One of my good friends has a brother 6 blocks away, who might as well be 6,000 miles away, for the care for their 92-year-old mother.
    Remember your little kayak rides to discuss this with the turtles.
    Hugs and aloha, DrumMajor

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  6. Ah, the real challenge in life is to look at it fresh everyday, as an adventure in making things work, a mountain to stand on, a stream to ford.

    Take care.

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  7. Hello,

    What a lovely bunch of pix you have here! I follow another blog from your island State....excited to find this one.

    Tami

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  8. You are the beautifullest tour guide ever!

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  9. What a moving post. You are doing the right things - they matter. So do you, your mom and your memories. Take care and Every Blessing

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  10. Bless you, hun. You do the best you can at the time, with the information you have at hand.
    You've said it all. One foot in front of the other. Shoulders square, with full knowledge that you are a beautiful person. I lost that notion during my journey. I moved away from my best friend who would remind me, at work, as I walked down the hall, slightly stunned.
    Caregiving is a specious art, at best, but with history and subjective issues, all the more complex,
    many, many sister soulful hugs and blessing upon you.
    Great is your reward in heaven.

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  11. yes, friend, I see what you mean.

    A bummer, but you'll cope. Perhaps your revenge, if you still need it, is that you can give care and attention like she never could; that you have outgrown her pettiness and everything else negative and emerged a much stronger, kinder, nicer person than she ever was.

    Pay her back with kindness; how about that ! (Mind you, she might hate you for it)

    Good luck and don't forget to come by when you can.

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  12. You are a wonderful lady Cloudia, your friends out here have always known it.
    An English Girl Rambles

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  13. If possible, would like to send you all strength I do call me own.

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  14. Hang in there, my friend! You are a kind and loving soul and I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers, during this difficult time. Aloha, cher!

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  15. You sure do have a full plate, my friend. I hope things work out with equanimity and calm. God bless you, and thank God for blessing us with you!

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  16. You have a good heart, Cloudia. Hugs to you.

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  17. I yiyi, Just take it one day at a time. I hope everything works out.

    And the rainbow picture-- gorgeous.

    jj

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  18. Very nice skies and water lilies.
    I think I will not have any this year in my pond.
    I try to translate what you write later.
    ALOHA, Cloudia !

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  19. Yes, indeed. I've been there too. You take care of whatever you need to and we will all be here to support you in any way we can! Sending good wishes to you, my friend!
    Jeanne of bermudabluez

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  20. My mom has dementia and my sister and I are dumped on all the time. But I have to remember this is not her. That she is confused and a dark cloud is hanging over her. It's damn hard at times. Best of luck to you and your situation.

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  21. It's true, life is what happens when we are making other plans. Always remember, "Illegitimi non carborundum..." You are a good soul.

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  22. YOU are good medicine for me.

    Thanks SO MUCH!

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  23. I find out more and more how fortunate I was in my own family. I'm sorry you've had to go through these kinds of things. Sounds somewhat like what Lana had to experience.

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  24. Cloudia-- Subjective is dead on--it is what WE subject OURSELVES to. Oh--if it were just that simple to shake off eh?

    How'd you get so wise my Friend!

    Life is a Bitch of a Teacher- and I don't want to be held back ANY grade!

    Blessings to You! Stay- Objective! Hell--OBJECT to EVERYTHING, the system does to us and be Happy in Spite of it!!!

    When you find out how--E-mail me the destructions!


    John

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  25. As a child of abuse myself, I know where you're coming from. We'll never be "normal" (which is probably overrated, anyway, *L*) but we can strive to be happy.

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