A L O H A !
" The noblest kind
of retribution
is not to become
is not to become
like your enemy. "
Marcus Aurelius
Marcus Aurelius
" One of the characteristics of the dream
is that nothing surprises us in it. "
Jean Cocteau
" The day will come
when the people will make
so insistent their demand
that there be peace in the world
that the Governments
that the Governments
will get out of the way
and let them have peace. "
DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER
US President
broadcast discussion, Aug. 31, 1959
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When I was little
I didn't understand about
stress,
or personality issues,
or adult attention-deficit.
All I knew
was that my parents didn't
nurture or calm me.
In fact,
they were a huge source
of stress in my child's world.
I remember crying in my room.
Stuck in pain, I could only hold on to
"Some day"
the some day when I could escape.
"Don't forget!" I made myself promise.
"Don't forget how they treated you
when they are old
and try to pretend
that none of this ever happened.
Don't fall for their lies.
Escape, and stay escaped!
I had my first apartment
at age 16.
Fast forward
to today. . .
Watching SEINFELD on TV
I observed how George Costanza's family
is always yelling & screaming
like my own.
George ends up yelling back at them.
Doing so, he resembles them,
he acts like them,
he carries on the family
way.
I call it the Costanza Effect
and I don't want to do it!
I will count to ten,
I will excuse myself.
But I will not treat
THEM
like they treated
me.
Ah! Meaningful Victory!
How do you handle difficult people?
Thanks for visiting
Warmly, cloudia
My family did not scream and yell all the time (we kids would blow up occasionally) but the tension was so thick you could cut it. My mother pretended that nothing was ever wrong - life was perfect - so you could never bring up an issue that would prove it wasn't. We were a constant source of shame for her although none of us were really that bad. Neither parent could express love. So my main parenting goal was to make sure my kids knew I loved them and that they could talk to me about anything. I also was pretty open about being fallible myself. What was nice about it was that our relationship was open and honest - the kids did not have to live 2 parallel lives - one with friends and one with family.
ReplyDeleteSeeing as I am usually the most difficult person in the room I have no answer. People leave me be as I am and I try to return the courtesy.
ReplyDeleteAh, yes, you put a name to the vicious cycle. Yet, can we really escape? I guess the first step is to name the problem.
ReplyDeleteLife is a mix of difficult and easy stuffs... patience helps tide over difficult times.
ReplyDeleteSticking to our principles while not becoming caught up battling personalities is hard indeed.
ReplyDeleteTwo things have worked for me. First is having learned to walk away and call a friend who I can trust and that has had similar experiences.
Second, as I've gotten a little older, for the most part (not always), I've gotten a little wiser.
Excellent post.
Love the Marcus Arelius quote and your determination to transcend!
ReplyDeletethe things I don't say on my blog....but damage is apparent.
ReplyDeletei don't do costanza.
I try not to argue / discuss with those who are not open to new ideas / thoughts. Easier to be silent than continue to hope some might see the light. You get three tries with / from me, then you're out of my emotional ballgame. DrumMajor
ReplyDeleteMy daughter says she was shocked when she met her husband's family. We tend not to raise our voices so she couldn't believe the yelling and name calling in his. Eventually she realized they didn't mean the angry words and were actually very loving. She's more used to it now and like her husband can tune it out. However, she doesn't enjoy it and will try to avoid it.
ReplyDeleteIf only Dwight Eisenhower's quote would come true! The difficult people problem is tricky, If it's not something I consider worth it I'd rather walk away, if it is important, then hopefully communication can sort it out. I don't really do the 'shouty' thing. I was lucky, Mum and Dad were the best.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this worthy advice and teaching, friends
ReplyDeleteHandling difficult people is tricky as a last resort i just bite my tongue and walk away :-).
ReplyDeleteClouds of gold :-)
ReplyDeleteGreetings,
Filip
Well, I try to not feed their pain. Or give them reason to be so ugly to me...but often nothing works ...except moving away from them. Your childhood and escape sounds much like my own....But in the end, look at us now! Hugs for you dear one!
ReplyDeleteCloudia...I'm sorry you have such memories from your childhood. The Costanza method is not a good one and you were smart enough to know that.
ReplyDeleteI love your mind.
What a moving entry.
ReplyDeleteSince my past was loud, hitting and tearful as well. Somewhere I read to return 'love', as much as possible, as at some point in time, it might reach and make the other one feel and understand the wrong doing.
Please have you all a good Sunday.
daily athens photo
I walk away, and monitor myself constantly, worried I will turn into them.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for the childhood you had and I am in awe of the woman you became. Such an achievement. I hope that you pat yourself on the back for it regularly.
Good one. I have rediscovered Seinfeld since I have moved South and spend so much time on my own. (In tonight's episode, S. used a rotary phone!) That show about nothing was really about everything--quite the Zen paradox.
ReplyDeleteDifficult people? I step back, smile, and think, "The bell will ring and the check will clear..."
Wise words, my friend !
ReplyDeleteI feel compelled somehow to come to the rescue of Mr. George Costanza (my favorite character of the 4...I guess because I could see my own faults magnified by him to comic caricatural proportions...especially cowardice & indolence) !
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts about the influence of parental abilities on one's personal style development, (of course excepting the totally aberrant extreme situations), in spite of that Wall Street Journal article about the efficiency of Chinese mothers, and other widespread rumors about Indian mothers, Jewish mothers, etc., go along the lines that MOST mothers & fathers are actually "good enough", and little variations caused by their own quirks actually do NOT make much of a significant difference, certainly not as much as one's own genetic make-up + the overall social larger environment, (e.g one being born in Afghanistan vs being born in South Central LA, those being born in the Pacific Palisades actually belonging to the aberrant groups which MIGHT require special attention).
I have felt so strongly about this widespread largely popularized MYTH of the 2nd half of the XXth century which may lead to unjustly at times "blame the parent", taking most responsibility off the shoulders of the child perceived also possibly unjustly distorted as a powerless weakling of some sorts, (although it IS true that a child's brain IS somehow like Play Doh up until so late as 25 years of age, but I believe it is mostly molded more by the larger culture than individual parenting styles), that I have actually managed to trace the person who was largely responsible for the spreading of that MYTH, AND I have actually found the ones responsible for actually giving him the authority of the platform from which he spread it, (the other facilitators of this myth spread being too many, and some have not actually done it with malevolent intention, so it is harder and it wouldn't be ethical to start blacklisting all of them !)
ReplyDeleteThe name of that person is Bruno, and I do not want to say his last name because I do not wish to advertise him, (being known that there is no such thing as "bad" advertising), and not only has he fibbed on his C-V & Immigration interview at Ellis Island, (although of course NOT in relationship to the big questions re having been a member of the Communist or Nazi parties, but just in the sense of embellishing the whole story, which may have actually been OK in the real chaos after WW II), but has actually been involved afterwards, while in the US, in some unsavory, reprobable, mostly professionally unethical activities while being director of an Institute which had the object of actually treating vulnerable children. And how did he get appointed in that position of power ? Could somehow the known corrupt at the time Chicago office of the Mayor, with Mr. Richard Daley at the top, have been involved in approving the license for that Institute ? Could the old-fashioned and subcompetent & also at times possibly corrupt administration of the University of Chicago, (from before the competence restoring presidency of Mrs Hanna Holborn Gray), which appointed him professor of a department for which he even didn't have the basic studies, have also been involved ?
ReplyDeleteJ'accuse ! (famous Zola quote in the Dreyfuss Affair)
P.S. Otherwise, Bruno was a quite talented literary critic especially in the domain of authentically wonderful fairy-tales, he even got a well deserved literary prize for that, but he certainly had some personal problems...and I do not think his parents were at fault for that, it was mostly, like I said, I sincerely think, the totally chaotic and truly scary violent environment of Central Europe from the beginning of the XXth century that shaped him.
ReplyDeleteDisclaimer: I do not work for the FBI team that investigated Mr Steve Jobs, (from Apple), in relationship with his alleged past illicit drug use, but I will admit that I personally prefer Windows, plus I have held a longstanding crush-level appreciation for Ms Janet Reno, former Attorney General of the US under pres Bill Clinton, especially since she said that thing which endeared her to me for life, in spite of whatever personal faults, "the buck stops with me"
ReplyDeleteOn-topic: Hats off to Mr Marcus Aurelius ! I personally sincerely strive, or at least think it would be Good to do so, although I do not know if I will manage it or if I even have the real capacity to do it, (especially in the view of my already listed Costanza-like faults), to follow some of his ancient moral maxims in my neverending ideally stated process of attempting to become a "better man".
ReplyDeleteThank you, I am word verification (less) on both sites. It was an annoyance with the new template and interface.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant skies as usual.
For someone as yourself, who has such a calm and soothing blog.. always comforting and welcoming, it's difficult for me to imagine that you had a chaotic childhood. The Costanza effect has no place in your world. I'm glad for that. Hugs to you, my dear Cloudia.
ReplyDelete