You Already Are

Aloha & Welcome!

Click on photos to enlarge

Another beauty by Ted Trimmer

"Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn." Gore Vidal

Solemn Hawaiian Ceremonies

"Travelers, there is no path, the path is made by walking."

Antonio Machado

Ulu (breadfruit) leaf; a popular Hawaiian Quilt pattern!

"If you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

Erica Jong

My dad is being moved from the hospital to hospice-at-home care tomorrow.

They live around a mile from me, but despite my efforts and the support of the wonderful hospice folks, my mom will be alone with all of it.

Though I berate myself for my lack of finances that could make this all so much easier, and feel guilty for not doing more, nevertheless I'm exhausted from the "too little" I've already done!

But this blog, and all of you, are my somehow secret garden. Here I can repair and recreate among like-minded humans. The Grandpa http://wordmechanic.blogspot.com/ has kindly sent me a published volume of his poems, A Matter of Mind;

and lovely Jenn Jilks http://myreflectionsmusings.blogspot.com/ has thrown me a lifeline in the form of her book, Living and Dying with Dignity - A Daughter's Journey Through Long-Term Care.

Let me share a few thoughts from my notebook:

Sometimes I ask myself: WWDLD? What would the Dali Lama do?

What you fear to be

that you already are

welcome it home

to see it's disguised beauty.

Aloha my friends! And forgive me for my lapses in commenting on your wonderful blogs. Just know that I'm lurking about the blogosphere in my stolen moments and take great pleasure in all of you.

You know who you are ;-)

A L O H A! Cloudia

Banana Fana Bo Bana

Click on photos to enlarge! Reflected Glory

The Lehua blossom unfolds when the rains tread on it."

Hawaiian Proverb

Another View


"I want to die in my sleep like my friend.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

Wil Shriner

Gatekeeper

"We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends."

Pierre Corneille

Today I was feeling a bit sad.

I was sad about my father's declining health.

Strangely my feelings felt somehow "clean."

A calmness prevailed.

No shaking my fist at fate,

or at God.

No "What if" or "Why not."

Just smelted acceptance; and gratitude.

Gratitude that I got to spend time with him late in life,

Gratitude, and apprehension

that indefinite time, and pain remain to him.

And I realized something then.

I finally understood:

When trauma and disaster are overcome

a space is cleared

for appropriate grief

in it's proper season.

But what remains is luminous

and oh so beautiful!

A L O H A! Cloudia

One O'Clock

top: a Ted Trimmer Photo

Morning Sky

The Cousins

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." - James Dean

"If you hear that someone is speaking ill of you, instead of trying to defend yourself you should say: 'He obviously does not know me very well, since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned.'" - Epictetus

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

- Steven Wright

Dad and I had a complicated relationship from the beginning. It was a product of the times, and of two very different temperaments. Recently when I read that brain scans show activity in the pleasure centers of bullies when they are torturing their victims, I found myself reflecting on Dad and on my upbringing. Immediately I felt guilty. . . but still . . .

He never intended to be "challenging." He kept a roof over our heads. He didn't ever understand the effect he was having. Going out on my own helped me to grow up and to follow my path . . . but still. . .

A few years ago he & Mom moved to O`ahu from the Big Island. I was glad and looked forward (finally!) to having relaxed times with them in their old age. Everything quickly became a negotiation. They mean well . . . but still . . .

They both are key parts of my identity, some parts I've had to outgrow, and some I cherish. A few weeks ago, Dad started talking about being the last of his circle of childhood buddies. All gone except the last of the Mohicans. He reached his 82nd birthday and started talking about "when he goes." Probably he already felt the signs. Soon we all noticed that he was weakening and losing weight. He's had health scares before, but bounced back. I guess I stupidly always thought there'd be time to laugh together . . . but still . . .

I was at his place when the Phillies won the World Series. It was one thing we could share happiness about.

The WWII veteran was also overjoyed when Barack won the White House; something else we share.

I knew that he had cancer. I've been a hospice volunteer and know the signs when they come in, still talking about "when I get better." . . . but still . . .

A fellow blogger, Bubble Wench, recently posted an honest "cri de cour," a cry from her heart, about all the challenges that she's carrying right now. Rather than be turned-off, or taking the opportunity to feel better about myself, I was moved by her honesty & courage. Judging by her comments forum, many others felt the same. She isn't a whiner - she's courageous . . . and human. Today deciding whether I had it in me to post more than pictures & quotes I thought of my web friend Bubble Wench and decided to risk sharing my heart with you this day.

You see, at One O'clock, Dad & Mom will be at the doctors office hearing the results of a million scans and tests. I already know what they will say: "Very little time for my Dad to really see me, and for us to really commune from our hearts." Tomorrow I'll resume posting about King Kalakaua's 172nd birthday (on Sunday), rhapsodising about the healing skies and drumming of the surf . . .but first, I want to leave you with a passage by a wise woman. I dedicate it to you, my web-friends, and fellow wounded healers.

“Service rests on the basic premise that the nature of life is sacred…Fundamentally, helping, fixing, and service are ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. From the perspective of service, we are all connected. All suffering is like my suffering and all joy is like my joy…Service goes beyond expertise. Service is another way of life. Service is a relationship between equals…In helping, we may find a sense of satisfaction; in serving, we have an experience of gratitude… When we serve, we discover that life is holy…Service is closer to generosity than it is to duty…Over the long run, fixing and helping are draining but service is renewing. When you serve, your work itself will sustain you, renew you, and bless you, often over many years.”

- Rachel Naomi Remen, from her book, 'My Grandfather’s Blessings'

Aloha Nui to YOU all!

Cloudia

Bitter Sweet

At Indianapolis rally from which Obama returned to Honolulu for his final visit with dear "Toots."
courtesy of Dan Axler













Ted Trimmer Photo (middle)

Just so we can vote.

Young Barry Obama's Young Street between his home and school. (below)

Madelyn Payne Dunham

1922 - 2008

"From clerk to vice president of Bank of Hawaii (1970); The Tutu (grandmother) called 'Toot' who largely raised young Barry (Barak) Obama."

[She] "was the cornerstone of our family, and a woman of extraordinary accomplishment, strength and humility. She was the person who encouraged and allowed us to take chances. She ... left this world with the knowledge that her impact on all of us was meaningful and enduring," said Obama and his sister, Honolulu teacher Maya Soetoro-Ng, in a statement yesterday.

Victorious Roman generals rode through the imperial city amidst a great public celebration called a "triumph." To remind them of the passing nature of all earthly glory, and to keep them grounded, someone rode in the chariot just behind them, every so often whispering in their ear: "This too shall pass." Let's celebrate this election day by honoring the hopes and sacrifices of those who came before us. Let's honor our children; and their children too with our vote. For today, history is being made; even as those who helped bring it about take their leave . . .

Warm ALOHA to you this day! Cloudia

Abundance Subsistance

"A good conscience is a constant Christmas."- Franklin

"Sorrow locks the gates of Heaven" -Hebrew saying

"Nobody ever made a dime by panicking." - Jim Cramer

First I had a cold, or so I thought. Then it turned into the flu. . .When it reached the point where I couldn't breathe I was taken to the hospital - which immediately admitted me. Oxygen helped. The doctors tried antibiotics of various kinds and gave me an HIV test. They finally said that I had some kind of pneumonia.

Growing weaker, everything physical and mental became arduous. When you can't breathe nothing else much matters. I wondered if I'd ever play my flute again. Usually I felt like I'd never "made it" with my music. Sure I'd played in some bands, done a little recording, made some people happy. . . wait a minute! I finally realized what solace, pleasure, sharing, and insight into the deeper rhythms of life that my flutes had given me. I remembered the pleasure of escaping as a kid and playing in the trees behind my house. The birds seemed to listen, and I learned to listen to them. I remembered being the only light-skinned person in a dark backroom in the disreputable part of town, and a teenager to boot(!) yet playing music with old old men who'd lived a long hard life and who knew many deep things unsuspected in my sweet striving suburb. Music opened those doors. John Sephus (sp?) a beautifully worn blues-man said: "You play the hell out of that thing, kid" backstage at some festival years ago. My dear friend Labig, a cowboy/country/folk song-stylist, who made his living as a city desk reporter ,was there: beaming at me. One of the great moments of my life! I guess music brought me my some of my best friends. Laying in that hospital bed, I knew that if I ever had the chance to play a little tune, or to ride my 33 year old motorcycle again, I would finally understand the glory of it and appreciate it! As I hovered close to death, Jim and other friends & family who had passed felt very near. There were others there too; and a little bird came to my window ledge every day. He seemed to know his business and communicated deep things very simply in the dusk. At one point I felt myself moving up and out. I could see the room, the hillside, all of my dear Honolulu and then the countryside on the other side of the Ko`olau range. I felt compassion for myself: "Poor jerk," I had been so busy worrying that I'd never really just ENJOYED this amazing life. I saw and knew (and cared about!) all the people laughing, loving, striving, crying, winning, losing, musing, and dying all over the world. I felt deep love and care for the entire lovely writhing, suddenly very beautiful earth. As I wondered with immense compassionate concern what would happen next to everyone, a voice (that wasn't a voice exactly) whispered in my ear: "It's not your kuleana (Hawaiian: 'responsibility') anymore." Suddenly something snapped. I didn't care about any of it anymore; I was too busy suddenly beginning to remember. . . to real-lax. . . to feel the thrill of finally arriving home at the safest harbor where everything makes beautiful, complete, sense. Later I began to recover. I started to slowly rejoin the world and the illusions that we share. I had seen the complexity of our world that appears so random, responds to each person's choices & actions, and yet fits together seamlessly. Naturally and easily I finally understood some answers instead of just searching for them; and they were obvious once I had a different perspective. My views on lots of things changed. I now understand that most of what we think of as "important" is really just the 'props' and window dressing of our stories and choices. And too much of what REALLY COUNTS we consider trite & trivial. For the most part, it's not the 'whats' of our lives that matter, it's the "WHOs" and the "WHYs" that really are the whole point. Wealth and security are just concepts. True wealth and security are always right here. The wealth of playing a worn instrument for a few moments in a busy day, the wind in your hair, in fact: EVERY BREATH is truly a gift. These are not things I say, they are facts I lived! As long as we live, God, or Spirit, or Aloha, or whatever YOU call it, is with us. I KNOW that now. And I also learned that when we leave this existence: we go to be with Him/Her/Them/LOVE. There is truly nothing to fear, but it would be a real shame to miss the glory while we're in it - this beautiful Earth! I walk down the street loving everyone, because I now know that being "strangers" is just an agreement we made in order to play here.

Subsistence, having enough, is abundance. Wanting more, wanting a guarantee for tomorrow, is just an illusion, a 'plot' in your story. . . ...........A L O H A ! Cloudia