"A good conscience is a constant Christmas."- Franklin
"Sorrow locks the gates of Heaven" -Hebrew saying
"Nobody ever made a dime by panicking." - Jim Cramer
First I had a cold, or so I thought. Then it turned into the flu. . .When it reached the point where I couldn't breathe I was taken to the hospital - which immediately admitted me. Oxygen helped. The doctors tried antibiotics of various kinds and gave me an HIV test. They finally said that I had some kind of pneumonia.
Growing weaker, everything physical and mental became arduous. When you can't breathe nothing else much matters. I wondered if I'd ever play my flute again. Usually I felt like I'd never "made it" with my music. Sure I'd played in some bands, done a little recording, made some people happy. . . wait a minute! I finally realized what solace, pleasure, sharing, and insight into the deeper rhythms of life that my flutes had given me. I remembered the pleasure of escaping as a kid and playing in the trees behind my house. The birds seemed to listen, and I learned to listen to them. I remembered being the only light-skinned person in a dark backroom in the disreputable part of town, and a teenager to boot(!) yet playing music with old old men who'd lived a long hard life and who knew many deep things unsuspected in my sweet striving suburb. Music opened those doors. John Sephus (sp?) a beautifully worn blues-man said: "You play the hell out of that thing, kid" backstage at some festival years ago. My dear friend Labig, a cowboy/country/folk song-stylist, who made his living as a city desk reporter ,was there: beaming at me. One of the great moments of my life! I guess music brought me my some of my best friends. Laying in that hospital bed, I knew that if I ever had the chance to play a little tune, or to ride my 33 year old motorcycle again, I would finally understand the glory of it and appreciate it! As I hovered close to death, Jim and other friends & family who had passed felt very near. There were others there too; and a little bird came to my window ledge every day. He seemed to know his business and communicated deep things very simply in the dusk. At one point I felt myself moving up and out. I could see the room, the hillside, all of my dear Honolulu and then the countryside on the other side of the Ko`olau range. I felt compassion for myself: "Poor jerk," I had been so busy worrying that I'd never really just ENJOYED this amazing life. I saw and knew (and cared about!) all the people laughing, loving, striving, crying, winning, losing, musing, and dying all over the world. I felt deep love and care for the entire lovely writhing, suddenly very beautiful earth. As I wondered with immense compassionate concern what would happen next to everyone, a voice (that wasn't a voice exactly) whispered in my ear: "It's not your kuleana (Hawaiian: 'responsibility') anymore." Suddenly something snapped. I didn't care about any of it anymore; I was too busy suddenly beginning to remember. . . to real-lax. . . to feel the thrill of finally arriving home at the safest harbor where everything makes beautiful, complete, sense. Later I began to recover. I started to slowly rejoin the world and the illusions that we share. I had seen the complexity of our world that appears so random, responds to each person's choices & actions, and yet fits together seamlessly. Naturally and easily I finally understood some answers instead of just searching for them; and they were obvious once I had a different perspective. My views on lots of things changed. I now understand that most of what we think of as "important" is really just the 'props' and window dressing of our stories and choices. And too much of what REALLY COUNTS we consider trite & trivial. For the most part, it's not the 'whats' of our lives that matter, it's the "WHOs" and the "WHYs" that really are the whole point. Wealth and security are just concepts. True wealth and security are always right here. The wealth of playing a worn instrument for a few moments in a busy day, the wind in your hair, in fact: EVERY BREATH is truly a gift. These are not things I say, they are facts I lived! As long as we live, God, or Spirit, or Aloha, or whatever YOU call it, is with us. I KNOW that now. And I also learned that when we leave this existence: we go to be with Him/Her/Them/LOVE. There is truly nothing to fear, but it would be a real shame to miss the glory while we're in it - this beautiful Earth! I walk down the street loving everyone, because I now know that being "strangers" is just an agreement we made in order to play here.
Subsistence, having enough, is abundance. Wanting more, wanting a guarantee for tomorrow, is just an illusion, a 'plot' in your story. . . ...........A L O H A ! Cloudia
