Tuesday, August 25, 2009

One of Those Days

A l o h a !
click on photos to muse dreamily The Sky is so Vast!



My Heart is so Tiny- but the Love it Contains
Reaches to the Skies.



We each paddle our skin canoe.
Conditions change day to day, minute to minute.
Will there be a paradise cove, surrounded by a loving reef, containing sweet water? Unseen, a Helper paddles behind us. The waters around us are tipped with the gold of Spirit. But life's brine brings on a mighty thirst; so paddle, paddle. . . rest and paddle some more!






Sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed.
Recent research indicates that, yes, children can suffer from depression.
When I was a kid, being sad and withdrawn was considered to be bad behavior, a stage, something to be jolly-ed or threatened out of. A character flaw.
So, being a depressed kid, I was on my own.
Unfortunately, that can lead to a self-reinforcing downward loop: one feels sad, shy and anxious; other people respond negatively,and so a gulf with a moat and a wall coalesce around one.
All the stimulation feels overwhelming, so one withdraws.
But children need relationships in order to develop.
When relationships are painful, the child develops into a hermit.
Solitude becomes the only solace.
Reading, nature, pets are one's reliable companions.





But since "life" is all about being among others, one is severely handicapped. It's impossible to do everything for oneself - but you can try if you have to.
This sort of pressure-cooker produces some diamonds.
Perhaps music or mathematics becomes your opiate?
Or philosophy, or observation and paying attention.





The Cloudia you meet here, is the result of decades of searching, experimenting, surviving & yearning.
Being sad and overwhelmed is a powerful impetus to inquiry.
I have discovered a few things.
And I am grateful and genuinely happy most of the time.
But some mornings I awake with a start.
Life is slipping by and I have achieved nothing commensurate with my potential.





Others who perceived less complexity, or who had easier temperaments and social graces, have single mindedly achieved careers. It's easy!
What's wrong with me?
The mountains I have climbed
are on the other side of the moon.
Or long forgotten.





I meet old colleagues who are still in the same field
and can't believe they are still living
in what for me has become a former life.
I've lived a dozen incarnations since then!
But the floor needs vacuming again,
a million and one little chores need to be accomplished
in order to simply go
nowhere.




Entropy swallows every day's post from the Comfort Spiral.





Perhaps I should delete all this and just run some pictures and some cool quotes;
But now you can see my achievement:
"From Survival to Satisfaction."
Indeed.





My emotional set-point
supposedly immutable
is no longer stuck on this fearsome emotional muck
(as it once was).
Like that clown punching-bag
somehow I return upright
to peace and beauty every time.
(Eventually)
Then I'll be embarrassed by this post.
But perhaps there is important truth here.
You are not alone.
Sometimes it just takes a little while to feel good again,
to stop focussing on all the "issues"
(mine and the world's)
and to notice the eternal thrum of loving truth
underlying all,
so that "all" is revealed an illusion.
And today's lack of
achievement
is really so very small.





I need to rest a while,
to dream,
to stare,
to hide away.





Wise people say that everything we touch, everything we produce, carries the "energy" with which we produce it.
If we act out of fear, or greed, we are spreading that energy to others. Some days I want to quarentine my existential angst at home.
But today I dare
(Dare I?!)
to show the trembling weakling behind the curtain.
Isn't that how friends are made? By being yourself?
So here's this lump of coal
in the stocking of my gift to you.
Go be human today!
If it is a day of heart and new beginnings: I salute you!
If you are hiding at home like me,
I want you to know that you are not alone.
Life is made of circles, of seasons, of weather-
inside weather and out.
Let's ride the Comfort Spiral
together.
Please, if you have the time,
leave me a comment,
a piece of fruit,
a flower,
or a word.
We are all hungry - but we all get fed.
We are blessed to feed each other.
Don't look away
for I am you,
and to love my yearning
is to heal your own
and the world's.
A L O H A Cloudia

24 comments:

Daryl said...

Forever now I have been waiting for that clue, that little something that will lead me to my purpose ... I am convinced there must be a reason for being ... til it finds me, I will keep looking for it

Elizabeth Bradley said...

I know how you feel, sometimes we turn inward, and although we're led to believe that we are supposed to "shake off" the blues, pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, it's not all that easy. As we get further along down our lifepath, we amass a reservoir of sorrows, regrets, and loss. It's our job to sort through and that takes time. Don't be hard on yourself, and don't be afraid to expose your pink underbelly. Real friends share the ups and the downs. Your blog is amazing. One of my favorites.
Elizabeth

Sandee said...

Very well said. Good for you. I took lots and lots of guts to put this on paper for all to see. Bravo.

Have a terrific day. Big hug. :)

Nancy said...

How daring and sweet to share a part of you. Many of us have been where you are today. I have regular existential angst! We're in this boat together. But there is nothing like the present to start a chain reaction. Opening one door usually leads to another door. But we have to open the first one.

Marguerite said...

Cheer-up Gal Pal! It's never as bad as it seems. Probably just the moon. Sounds like you could use a little Cajun music. :) Sending you positive thoughts and hugs!

Cloudia said...

Daryl: You, you're DARYL! We all love your persona and wisdom and talent and friendship, silly. You're THERE!

Eliz: Wow. Thank you, special lady.


Sandee: I actually worried that I would turn you off bcause you're always so comedic. Surprise, you are one of us, and I love being on your team ;-]



Nancy: Beautifully and comfortingly put. I thank you.


Marguerite: Good times, my bon ami!

Raph G. Neckmann said...

Cloudia - here's a piece of fruit and some birthday cake!

Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone.

I love the way you describe the 'eternal thrum of loving truth underlying all'. I think it is in times of solitude that one is most aware of this. I cherish my solitude, just as I cherish all my friends and loved ones - and of course my dear bloggy friends, including you, dear Cloudia!

gigi-hawaii said...

CC, in the end, LOVE will get us thru the day. If we love who we are and what we are doing, we will always be happy.

To my family and friends, I love you all.

robert said...

With 'angst' being a German word, felt connected to it. Being a noun, 'we' tend to write them with a capital.
Becoming maybe more frightening, but I think the opposite, as something I'm able to put a name to, is something I'm able to discuss, to get done with, if one like - or to use the word of Gustave Flaubert, 'Angst, provides wings.'
'Angst, is courage, which has spoken its prayer.'(robert)

Teresa said...

Thanks for sharing your not so good day in eloquent, heart-warming language. A wise old gentlemen once said that we could never enjoy the peaks and the brght things in life without also knowing the valleys and the black backgrounds. May you be blessed with peace and tranquility for the rest of today!

Barbara Martin said...

This will pass, Cloudia. Soon you will be out and about, looking for that next gem to photograph to post here. There are times one needs to go inside and just contemplate on life for awhile. Being by oneself is not necessarily being alone.

Each of us puts 'good' energy into the world every day and we may not see where or when. But it's documented by those above. Just like these great posts and photos you share with others to boost up our days. I can see the list now with your name and the long row of gold stars beside it.

DT ~ RDH said...

Thanks so much for being so bravely open! I look around sometimes and wonder if I've done enough in my life ~ I've not invented a thing, the chores never end, I keep changing my mind, I don't have a phD, I haven't made a "mark" on the world, I'm working on my third career...and sometimes I look back and regret wasted time, wasted energy, fearful decisions I've made, etc. etc. But like you, I am truly happy almost every single day. And I find myself at peace and upright after each doubt session. And I realize that (to me)a successful and good life is simply about Living. Being. Feeling. Appreciating. Enjoying. Loving. I just know that on my "death bed" I will go back to these things and so now I live to ensure that I will be proud and glad about the life I led. Much much aloha from my heart to yours Cloudia!!! Your posts are wonderful, and so are you!!

Carol said...

Thank you for your honesty, it makes me feel less alone with my angst, we have such pain. There seem to be a few of us quite down right now. Thank you for daring to share.

Commander Zaius said...

I know one game that is sure to cheer you up, NAKED TWISTER!

Anonymous said...

No matter what you share you always do it with that special Cloudia flare. You're a writer to the bone. You'll find the silver lining and that spot of sun. The fact that you feel you haven't lived up to your potential tells me you'll be okay. If you felt you had no potential you might be in trouble. My best to you dear friend. Aloha.

Cloudia said...

You folks are awesome!!!

Charles Gramlich said...

I never had issues with depression until about Jr. High. And it was all due to people, mostly to the fact that girls didn't want to have anything to do with me. Before that I was alone most of the time and always enjoyed it. Even today I love my solitude.

Lana Gramlich said...

I have learned that it's not our "accomplishments" that are important so much as our happiness. Don't waste time & energy with regret. Make the best out of every moment. Don't compare yourself to others. Just pursue your happiness.

magiceye said...

BRAVO!!!!!!

Loved this!!! specially quote 'But the floor needs vacuming again,a million and one little chores need to be accomplished in order to simply go
nowhere.' unquote

namaste /\
aloha!

Dina said...

Strange, I'm just now getting to this post. For the last several days I've been so mad at/ disappointed by myself, that I couldn't even read the serious blogs. I guess you and I were going through the same feelings together, Sistah.
Glad you read your stuff.

Cloudia said...

I'm so glad you 4 made it here too!
Love you guys; Aloha

Junosmom said...

Oh, Cloudia, sorry you are blue. But we all have days like that, days of "is this all there is" or "what have I accomplished?" The what have I accomplished often hits me when I compare myself to others, rather than to the only one thing I can change and improve, myself. I often tell the kids that there is always someone out there more accomplished, prettier, richer, smarter, etc, and it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is getting through this one day, this moment while being the best you can be. Improving oneself as measured by oneself. From reading your blog and book, I know you are continually growing, and therefore, are successful. Take heart that you have a weird friend in KY that would be very sad to see your blog disappear even though I am sometimes gone for a time. Sometimes, I too, take breaks from either too much to do, or too sad, or down to write. But then, one day, I'll see something, and think, I have to write about this. Don't give in, I'm counting on you to be there.

Sepiru Chris said...

Hello Cloudia,

I cannot begin to explain how much this posting speaks to me today.

All my best,
Chris

Yeti said...

Oh i love that kitty pic..I just love it!! :>)