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"The place in which I'll fit will not exist until I make it."
James Baldwin
"Nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion."
Hegel
"The heart that loves is forever young." Greek Proverb
Here in Waikiki, the green forested Ko`olau Mountains are a vision at the end of long, high-rise & palm tree bracketed streets. 
Tough kitty!
"You looking at me?!"
My best gal pal was wondering what to do.
Her formerly good friend, someone she had been close to, had listened to, and had encouraged through many emotional storms & alarms, had married a possessive Pete. My pal was jettisoned without even a 'thank you.'
Then, after months of silence my friend recieved a baby notice from that person. A transparent attempt to solicit a gift? My normally very giving friend felt sorely used. To be abandoned after years of "service" was one thing. To be solicited for a contribution just added insult to injury. She wanted to tell this person that it is NOT OK to be so self centered.
Which got me thinking about my "friends" who only phone when they want or need to talk. I support them. I do love them - but. I knew just what my pal was talking about. And this is what I told her:
We have at some point offered these people unconditional support and they have taken us up on it.
No one forced us to do it, we set our own boundaries after all.
We even knew that it wasn't "equal" from very near the start.
To get angry now seems pointless - or worse.
Our attention & support are golden gifts. And we gave of them freely.
This is the true coin of our caring; saying much more about ourselves than about the other person. To abdicate the generous role that we originated and have played only demeans us, somehow. Worse, it is a self inflicted wound. We may honorably fade away - relationships come and go throughout life. But to present a 'bill' for what we have freely given?
"Don't debase your coin with a grievance." I told her. "Send a gift, or move on."
What do YOU think?
A L O H A!
Cloudia
31 comments:
Completely understand and agree. Easier said, or read, than felt, of course.
I agree with you. You can't keep a balance sheet on friendships.
we are the agewe feel
That is true. There really are two choices in the situation. If the friendship is over, it's over. No gift should be sent with a grudge attached. Better to let the moment pass and walk away - Peace - D
Love that opening quote from Baldwin. So true.
Oh, and I'd send the gift.
It hurts when a friend abandons us. But then we have to ask what was the friendship based on to begin with. There is no balance sheet in true friendship.
I agree with you, Cloudia. Gift or no gift, it doesn't matter. What matters is moving on.
If it is a baby NOTICE and not an invitation to a baby SHOWER, I would not send a gift. Instead, I would send a note congratulating her.
I have had some friendships like this uneven one throughout the years, but I also have more that are very mutual. There's room for both. Sometimes to be brought up short like this gives an opportunity to evaluate a person's individual mix or uneven versus mutually supportive, and decide what, if anything, to do about it. Really thoughtful post, Cloudia!
Amen, my thoughtful friend. I know that the scales will always be out of balance. But in my heart of hearts, I just can't change my ways. I can't NOT give, share or otherwise put myself out there simply because others may not appreciate or reciprocate.
I need to sleep well at night, and, truth be told, it makes me feel good to hang it all out there. Even if it doesn't come back.
Thank you for saying it so eloquently.
send a gift - perhaps expecting a baby has made this person realize how precious life is and has given her an easy way to reach out to people she may finally see she has let go of
If not - I would still feel good about sending the gift - a new person is cause to celebrate, even if those receiving the gift don't understand the concept
I have stopped keeping track - I do what feels right in my heart and soul - whenever I deviate for that philosphy I make myself unhappy
I love your photos - especially the mountains thru the city scene and the cat
Cloudia --
I think the Princess Kahuliani hotel is to the left in your photo?
Maybe the friend married to possesive Pete is just wanting others to know they are hopefully happy. I agree with Gigi, if it's just a notice, send a note. Maybe now, or later, the friend is going to need direct or emotional support to possibly leave the marriage. A notice doesn't have to mean a gift. The friendship may be more of a gift now and in the future. DrumMajor
Well said and true .. good advice ..
Chris: Indeed, that's the "fun."
Aloha Saretta! glad to meet you.
Med Kiwi: I agree with you.
RiverPoet: Glad you took a break from your grueling grad school today!
Charles: Thanks, me too.
Grandpa: you are a survivor indeed.
Gigi: Good idea.
Mahalo, Deborah.
Carmi You are a credit to your heritage, boychick!
Dianne: Thanks for this thoughtful comment and for you time and aloha!
Daryl: so nice to see you, sistah! Still loving that blue earing.
Drum Major: No, the Princess "K" is a few blocks to the left - but you are correct (as usual) about everything else.
Now, Forward MARCH!
The gift that your friend needs to give is forgiveness. She obviously felt abused and thrown away after giving to this person. Yet, we must give because it is the good or right thing to do, not because we expect a return. Still, it hurts, doesn't it, when a friend turns away. I think if she looks at it as a way of the person asking for a connection, and forgives by sending a note or gift, she can let go of the hurt.
This does not mean reconciliation, only a letting go of the hurt. She needs, I would think, to weigh whether the friendship renewed would add or detract from her life. Sometimes, kind people have too many uneven relationships, and there comes a time when you have to say "enough".
ps your book is traveling to Travis in TX.
Very true and the opening words are so right .
I'm with you, Cloudia--send the gift or move on!
Junosmom: Thanks for sharing your always thoughtful comments. Hope your weather is a bit nicer these days. Glad you enjoyed the book, hope Travis does too.
Would you feel comfortable writing an Amazon review at the book's page? aloha, my Friend.
Thank you, Babooshka!
I am honored by your visit. Aloha-
GRAN: We are on da same page again ;-) Sistah.
I would send a card with a note wishing her well and then move on. I'm sorry she is hurting. People are sometimes quite thoughtless without realizing it.
I would send a congratulation but no gift and tell her:" When I have time I might come and see the baby!"
The sky watch photo is great! Happy SWF!
I agree with Wil. It is inappropriate to expect a gift after a so-called friend walked off into her new life. A card is sufficient with a comment.
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