One of Those Days

A l o h a !

click on photos to muse dreamily The Sky is so Vast!

My Heart is so Tiny- but the Love it Contains

Reaches to the Skies.

We each paddle our skin canoe.

Conditions change day to day, minute to minute.

Will there be a paradise cove, surrounded by a loving reef, containing sweet water? Unseen, a Helper paddles behind us. The waters around us are tipped with the gold of Spirit. But life's brine brings on a mighty thirst; so paddle, paddle. . . rest and paddle some more!

Sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed.

Recent research indicates that, yes, children can suffer from depression.

When I was a kid, being sad and withdrawn was considered to be bad behavior, a stage, something to be jolly-ed or threatened out of. A character flaw.

So, being a depressed kid, I was on my own.

Unfortunately, that can lead to a self-reinforcing downward loop: one feels sad, shy and anxious; other people respond negatively,and so a gulf with a moat and a wall coalesce around one.

All the stimulation feels overwhelming, so one withdraws.

But children need relationships in order to develop.

When relationships are painful, the child develops into a hermit.

Solitude becomes the only solace.

Reading, nature, pets are one's reliable companions.

But since "life" is all about being among others, one is severely handicapped. It's impossible to do everything for oneself - but you can try if you have to.

This sort of pressure-cooker produces some diamonds.

Perhaps music or mathematics becomes your opiate?

Or philosophy, or observation and paying attention.

The Cloudia you meet here, is the result of decades of searching, experimenting, surviving & yearning.

Being sad and overwhelmed is a powerful impetus to inquiry.

I have discovered a few things.

And I am grateful and genuinely happy most of the time.

But some mornings I awake with a start.

Life is slipping by and I have achieved nothing commensurate with my potential.

Others who perceived less complexity, or who had easier temperaments and social graces, have single mindedly achieved careers. It's easy!

What's wrong with me?

The mountains I have climbed

are on the other side of the moon.

Or long forgotten.

I meet old colleagues who are still in the same field

and can't believe they are still living

in what for me has become a former life.

I've lived a dozen incarnations since then!

But the floor needs vacuming again,

a million and one little chores need to be accomplished

in order to simply go

nowhere.

Entropy swallows every day's post from the Comfort Spiral.

Perhaps I should delete all this and just run some pictures and some cool quotes;

But now you can see my achievement:

"From Survival to Satisfaction."

Indeed.

My emotional set-point

supposedly immutable

is no longer stuck on this fearsome emotional muck

(as it once was).

Like that clown punching-bag

somehow I return upright

to peace and beauty every time.

(Eventually)

Then I'll be embarrassed by this post.

But perhaps there is important truth here.

You are not alone.

Sometimes it just takes a little while to feel good again,

to stop focussing on all the "issues"

(mine and the world's)

and to notice the eternal thrum of loving truth

underlying all,

so that "all" is revealed an illusion.

And today's lack of

achievement

is really so very small.

I need to rest a while,

to dream,

to stare,

to hide away.

Wise people say that everything we touch, everything we produce, carries the "energy" with which we produce it.

If we act out of fear, or greed, we are spreading that energy to others. Some days I want to quarentine my existential angst at home.

But today I dare

(Dare I?!)

to show the trembling weakling behind the curtain.

Isn't that how friends are made? By being yourself?

So here's this lump of coal

in the stocking of my gift to you.

Go be human today!

If it is a day of heart and new beginnings: I salute you!

If you are hiding at home like me,

I want you to know that you are not alone.

Life is made of circles, of seasons, of weather-

inside weather and out.

Let's ride the Comfort Spiral

together.

Please, if you have the time,

leave me a comment,

a piece of fruit,

a flower,

or a word.

We are all hungry - but we all get fed.

We are blessed to feed each other.

Don't look away

for I am you,

and to love my yearning

is to heal your own

and the world's.

A L O H A Cloudia

Gates of Prison or Joy

A L O H A!

Glad to See YOU again

Here at Waikiki

click on photos, see BIG

Lingering Moments

“The primary sign of a well-ordered mind is a man's ability to remain in one place and linger in his own company”
Seneca

Psychedelic Fish

"A fish may love a bird, but where would they live?"

Drew Barrymore

"Assure a man that he has a soul and then frighten him with old wives' tales as to what is to become of him afterward, and you have hooked a fish, a mental slave."

Theodore Dreiser

Where There are Fish,

There is the Heron to Catch and Eat Them.

"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

Steven Wright

Old and New:

Traditional-Style Polynesian Tattooing & Cell Phone

"Every man is a quotation from all his ancestors"

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Modern physics and western medicine

have discovered the mind/body connection.

Some even call it

bodymind.

As the mind believes

the body percieves

and reacts.

According to Huna,

the ancient beliefs of the Hawaiians,

the world is what you think it is:

Filled with God's glory,

or empty nihilism;

You decide - You experience.

We are at the gates

of

Joy.

I Hate Poetry

A Different View of Diamond Head

"The shepherd drives the wolf from the sheep's throat, for which the sheep thanks the shepherd as his liberator, while the wolf denounces him for the same act, as the destroyer of liberty. Plainly the sheep and the wolf are not agreed upon a definition of the word liberty; and precisely the same difference prevails today among human creatures."

Lincoln

A Working Artist Making People Happy in Waikiki

(see his wheels?)

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."

Einstein

That's "Haute" Dog!

"There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self."

Aldous Huxley

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

Alexander Graham Bell

Actually I revere poetry.

But not the way it's presented in snooty publications that I otherwise enjoy, like the NEW YORKER.

They run only "challenging," good-for-you stuff that demands a thesaurus and a masters degree in the current, insular, expert-driven jargon to "get."

The enjoyment it conveys to its devotees must be the shallow, acid satisfaction of exclusion.

Makes your heart sing, doesn't it?

How nice for "them."

But the rest of us, we need to re-read Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Rilke, Whitman, Basho, or Richard Wilbur to get our fix of words dancing with deceptively weighty import.

They make it simple and welcoming,

so you may go deeper as you grow

yet still resonate to the

simple,

the true.

Well a tough little weed of authentic beauty is attracting attention to the vacant lots, gunshots in the night, and strangely proud despair of once-mighty Detroit.

There at the epi-center of "whats gone wrong with America" is a prime example of what is best in our country: a craftsman with nicotine stained fingers, a retired mechanic who can fix cars as well as conundrums, a fiercely honest, yet compellingly stark-gentle soul who produces Real Poetry, proving that this miraculous species, yet thumbs it's nose at the hot-house imprisonment attempted by academe.

Words, those impish little gods, will find a mouthpiece, one who has been made ready by a life at the working-edge of grass roots, in da street, a democratic genius presenting a scornful, sage appraisal of the

"way things are going."

This is no hot house flower.

This is the guy you want to have a shot, and a smoke, and a convo with at 3am as the sirens wail:

Meet Mark Durfee

AKA "The Walking Man"

on his coffee stained, eponymous blog:

http://themanwhowalksalonewalksfaster.blogspot.com/

This grizzled wanderer/biker/war veteran/no-bullshit workman has recently produced something like 100 straight days of Real Poetry at his blog!

The rythmn and gravity of his words are the exposed beams of a meaning that had been torturing your abilities to express it; Then Mark dashes it off and posts it for us to read,

in a form that is spare, and rich, and usually inspiring.

I feel that I have made a friend, hell, I know that I have.

This poetic voice has my vote:

Mark, you may speak the keen truths that knife through our coats, and walls,

for me, for millions.

We remember comon sense, responsibility, and governing based on more than "say anything" power games, and spoils for the rapacious.

We remember a trust and a solidity that has decayed:

just like Detroit it's perfect emblem.

So visit The Walking Man.

Obtain there his slender new volume, beautifully named:

"STINK

Poetry and Prose of Detroit"

If I know you as well as I think I might, you'll taste something fresh, yet beautifully familiar: your own

despair & unquenchable hope

dancing cheek to cheek, down the broken sidewalks

of Detroit

at close to midnight.

For reals!

A L O H A cloudia

A Dream Recalled

Aloha Dreamers!

click on photos to unleash the magic

"We all grow up with the weight of history on us.

Our ancestors dwell in the attics of our brains as they do in the spiraling chains of knowledge hidden in every cell in our bodies."

Shirley Abbot

A Hawiian man and his friend.

Yes, Daryl,

they are both waiting patiently!

"In a false quarrel there is no true valour."
William Shakespeare

"To be really great in little things, to be truly noble and heroic in the insipid details of everyday life, is a virtue so rare as to be worthy of canonization."
Harriet Beecher Stowe

A True Story

When we got married

I was surprised at how "strange" and "different" I felt in my skin.

Even though we had been living together for years

the intention and the ceremony

brought something else into our home,

something wholly unexpected.

My husband felt it too;

We even marvelled and discussed this mysterious, unexpected,

and tangible feeling.

Who knew?

Around that time

I had a dream,

a dream of deepest morning.

I had entered a room

and many women were seated there.

I didn't see their faces

but felt their joy in being together.

They were casual and relaxed

but the atmosphere was very high.

I suddenly just knew that these ladies

were all my ancestresses,

my blood relations going back

and back.

I felt that my grandmother was there.

It was not time to meet them yet

but I was there for a reason.

So I never saw their faces.

Suddenly a manicured hand

(wearing a charm bracelet (!)

reached out

and

offered me:

A slice of honey cake!

My grandparents used to bring it.

I hadn't thought of Honey Cake in years!

I understood that they welcomed me,

as a married woman

and one of their line.

I even told my husband about the dream.

It was all so vivid!

I hadn't thought of

Honey Cake

in YEARS!

Later that morning

we were in the store where we've shopped for years.

For some reason

(smile)

I looked down

and there is was:

Honey Cake

Where I'd never seen it before!

Someday I know

that I'll revisit that room.

I'll sit with all the ladies

and we'll offer the plate

to the next generation

and the next.

There will be lots to talk about!

A L O H A! Cloudia

Fifty Years of Statehood Today

Welcome to

the

"A L O H A

STATE"

. . .

Welcome to the unconquered

"Kingdom Of Hawaii"

This is not where the story begins, in 1959.

It's a much older story, with a much broader context.

My grandparents came to America as young children. They were fleeing a bad situation, and they were yearning towards a great hope that, by and large, did not disappoint them.

I love the values that the USA stands for

(if imperfectly realized some times).

But America came to the Hawaiian People, a sovereign nation.

The "How" and the "Why" of this is seen very differently

by different points of view.

A King was forced to sign away his hereditary powers by subjects of his kingdom (who were) of American birth or extraction.

History remembers this as the

"Bayonet Constitution."

His sister (after his death) the final Queen, was deposed and imprisoned (1893)

when she tried to promulgate a new constitution;

All under the watchful eyes of US Marines.

She asked her beloved people

not to resist as they burned to do.

Hawaiian blood,

and the blood of her other multi-cultural subjects,

was too dear to this gracious lady,

who was libeled as a savage.

She took her message to Washington DC and the world.

Riding by rail across the continent,

she wondered aloud why such a huge country

would want her tiny kingdom.

President Cleveland

bemoaned the overthrow

as a betrayal of a weaker and confiding people.

But Congress had other things to occupy their time.

McKinley's assassination

brought Bully Teddy to the White house.

The Spanish American War

made Pearl Harbor an indispensable mid-Pacific coal refueling station

on the road to Manila Bay.

And so

the Queen died a subject

of the U.S. Territory of Hawaii.

(1917 - a mere 24 years before the Pearl Harbor Attack, and 42 years before Statehood)

Though the world is made up of HER subjects

whenever we hear the strains of her song:

"Aloha `Oe"

The Hawaiians have no land base, or government structure,

as North American Original Inhabitants have.

Most Hawaii people, Hawaiians included,

celebrated Statehood.

Statehood is superior to being a Territory.

But the rights of the Hawaiian Nation

deserve to be honored

by a great nation.

I am a proud US citizen, a citizen of the world,

but also consider myself a subject, a guest, of the displaced

Hawaiian Kingdom.

Today's videos (below) will give you the flavor of what is going on here politically and socially around these unresolved issues.

But Hawaiian wisdom understands

that it's kingdom is not purely of this world.

For theirs is the realm of the heart,

and as such

Aloha has conquered her conquerors.

Existing within this reality of Statehood,

Hawaiian Heart remains

immutable,

for as long as a drop of

"Koko,"

Hawaiian Blood,

lives in these islands;

for as long as outsiders

like me

come from far away, and capitulate to a completely

unique reality and understanding of life.

We produce amazing people,

scientific breakthroughs,

US patriots and even a

President.

Hawaii and the USA

are married;

and few marriages run smooth

all the time.

Perhaps our native son,

born & bred

Barack

will refresh the entire world system

from the well of

Ho`o ponopono.

Amen.

Please enjoy these stirring expressions of the Hawaiian Nation & her remarkable people (below)

who are the True Flowers of this Land.

And "Kaulana na Pua"

Famous are these Flowers.

* Ho`oponopono: Prayer, Mediation, "Making things righteous-RIGHTEOUS"

"Ho - oh - pono - pono"

Thinning the Veil Thursday

Aloha Welcome,

Returning Friend!

click on photos to savor Waikiki I loved this stippled sky.

As you can see, the palms were so moved by it that they yearned upward, reaching for it, trying to brush its downy cheeks with their trembling, green fingers.

Why is this motorcycle armed?

Perhaps it feels threatened by larger vehicles?

(All of my motorcycles have been gentle pacifists)

The Bible says that we see through a veil, but someday will see reality

"face to face."

Plato spoke of us as the inmates of a cave, not seeing things as they are, but perceiving only shadows thrown on the stony walls of our consciousness.

Some misapprehension seems to be fundamental to our stay in this flesh.

If we recalled our true stature, the illusion of our loneliness would be shattered; and no choice would be possible

in the blinding light

of

love.

Last night

standing outside under a starry sky

I suddenly wondered

how the things we love of nature

will at last be revealed

when we see them face to face.

The moon that stirs me so deeply,

that ever-dear companion,

may be even more familiar than we guess,

a loving eye

watching disguised

until,

at last awake,

we run home

to loving arms.

A L O H A! Cloudia

Tuesday at da Beach

Aloha!

It's August in Waikiki

click on photos to instantly voyage here

Camera & Ukulele Case grace the local attire.

"The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught."

Marqis de Vauvenargues

Youth

"What you fear to be, that you already are.

Only welcome it home to see it's disguised beauty."

Unknown

Pay Attention to THIS!

(Turn off the media for a moment or two)

"The path is not a symbol. It is a way to get somewhere."

Unknown

Sensuous Roots - or Sinister?

"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation"

Herman Melville

Really?

Back in the water, ready to go, after

Hurricane Felicia fizzles. YAY!

When I return to the boat, I see Kitty's face watching me from the deck.

"Ahoy Matey!"

Aloha friends!

Thanks for coming by the beach to visit today.

These are the lazy days of Summer, and it is with some selfish delight that I see University of Hawaii students tying up traffic at the mouth of Manoa Valley as they move into their dorms, line up to register for the classes they need, and explore the sweet little neighborhood of Moiliili with their loving helicopter parents. (It must be nice to have that support.)

I say "selfish" because I still have dreams (nightmares?) about the bureaucracy and lines of my Alma Mater.

It feels REAL good to have that degree!

I earned it!

Last weekend I wrote about Woodstock days and the sense of "Revolution" in the air back then. I was so certain that the established order was passing, that the idea of sitting still long enough to get a college degree seemed quaint. Instead I learned to build things, Spackle dry wall, run a micro-business, face life without the confining structure of a "work week" and generally survive outside the "system." We read a lot, talked a lot, and played some live music.

Credentials seemed a dying concept back then. And I found lots of life to experience. It was my quaint idea that a writer was someone who experienced and thought about things and then wrote about them, so I felt "right on track."

I filled the pages of dozens and dozens of note books.

So imagine how I felt at age 39 entering an institution that seemed stuck in the 50? I have a lot in common, I think, with the Cultural Revolution generation of Chinese. Were they lost years? I think not.

Multiple choice tests, classrooms full of high school graduates who groaned collectively whenever someone (me) found something interesting enough to ask questions about, studying at my night job. . .

Fortunately, I am a master of note-taking and memorization so my transcript is 4 pages of "A's" with a "B" hiding among them....

And there are some great people up there at the University too.

I had a lot to prove with all my "lost" years. So

I was deeply proud to get my degree in Psychology (with distinction). And I have enjoyed the opportunities it brought me to experience the professional world: I've educated physicians, won grants, flown on "business trips" and published my own research. Maybe even saved or changed a life with my HIV Prevention and advocacy work.

(So there!)

But I also experienced whats wrong with non-profits, medicine, academia, and governance from a privileged vantage point.

So I appreciate this August day of no meetings, hearings, deadlines, jargon, funder reports, or career politics seasoned with piquant pettiness.

Ahhhhh! Thanks, Hubby. Thanks bloggy friends!

I'm very proud to be a college graduate, a writer, a blogger who gets read, a beach bum.

And I'm SO happy that you share it all with me. My daily visits to New York, England, Tennessee, Louisiana, Detroit, New England, Jerusalem, Mumbai, Netherlands, Paris, the terrain of YOUR journey - enrich my days.

WOW!

So thanks for paddling by today. Mahalo &

Warm A L O H A!